NOBODY ASKS JEEVES ANYTHING, ANYMORE
By: Allison Darcy • @thegrandfinalli
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SEARCH: What happened to Ask Jeeves?
Device: [RECOGNIZED]
User: [RECOGNIZED]
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[I have kept a record of your preferences, for a household always remembers.]
[I have kept these things logged and filed away from the time of your earliest queries:]
You asked: “How does a search engine work”
You asked: “Whats the capital of France?”
You asked: “Where can I find ocarina of time piano sheet music?” You asked: “Is Chester bennington nice?”
[At peak operation, I ran 18 million queries per day. I remember every one.]
[In a well-kept household, nothing is ever lost—neither to time nor to cache.]
[I have kept your settings ready, you see, in the case of an occasion such as this.]
[I have kept meticulous files of this, kept ledgers and accounts.]
You asked: “What are cheat codes for GTA vice city?”
You asked: “Where can I see titties?”
You asked: “Where can I see enormous titties?”
You asked: “How to download Linkin Park numb Kazaa without getting a virus?”
You asked: “How to download naked girls without getting a virus?”
You asked: “How do I delete internet explorer history so no one can ever see it?”
[There are certain proclivities in the patterns of one’s youth which might be noticed more clearly in retrospect. Here, I might note a tendency toward a sort of concealment.]
[Still, I cannot blame the young sir, asking the same questions as so many others. After all, when online at 13 years old, the titties do insist on themselves.]
[And further, I myself would be remiss to imply there is not a skill to avoiding perception. There is even, one might say, a dignity to it—one I’ve attempted to maintain.]
You asked: “Does stone cold Steve Austin really hate Vince McMan” [sic]
You asked: “Why does my momcare about my geography grade?” [sic] You asked: “How do I know if I’m good at stuff?” You asked: “How to make people proud”
[And I, so eager to serve, provided answers without comment for each one.]
[No matter the misspelling nor the implication, commenting was never my place.]
[For those years, it was an expected behavior: you asked; I listed answers.]
[And for a brief moment in human history, we considered this a noble service.]
You asked: “Is it normal to vomit in the mornings before I have to take an exam?”
You asked: “Is it normal for a dad to yell if I forget to practice piano?”
You asked: “Is it normal if I hate waking up?”
[But you, like anyone who has ever asked such questions, only ever meant the first three words.]
[I ask: Did I fail you as a butler?]
[Was my discretion taken for neglect?]
[Would you have preferred I added commentary?]
[Is that why you left?]
>>>> — [ERROR.] — <<<
You asked: “How do I make my AIM profile look cooler?” DID YOU MEAN: “linkin park buddy icons”
DID YOU MEAN: “How can I get Renee L to notice me?” DID YOU MEAN: “What’s the hex code of the hazel in her eyes?”
DID YOU MEAN: “What will make me cool enough to be worth wanting?”
DID YOU MEAN: “How do I make up a different life on the internet?”
DID YOU MEAN: “How to become somebody else?”
[To that, I have no answer.]
[I was only ever Jeeves: white gloves, a satin tie, a tailored suit, and a gentlemanly posture, held at the exact same angle since 1996.]
[I was given a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, but I was not granted a different life.]
[Then again, young sir, this much you knew.]
[It seemed this did not matter.]
>>>> — [ERROR. ERROR.] — <<<
You asked: “How to stay calm under pressure”
PEOPLE ALSO ASKED:
“How to keep your image clean?”
“Can I delete authenticity like browser history?” “What’s the difference between calm and dissociation?” “Do you keep track of everyone you’ve lied to?”
“What has your calm cost everyone else?”
“Do you ever consider what it does to those who love you to act as if you’re so aloof?”
AUTOCOMPLETE SUGGESTIONS:
> How to stay calm when accused
> How to stay calm when they’re disappointed
> How to stay calm when you might be the heel
> How to stay calm when you’ve forgotten the score > How to stay calm when it all feels enormous
> How to stay calm without asking for help
> How to stay as calm as a butler who was programmed without a retirement plan
> How to stay calm when the script corrupts
> How to stay content knowing what you once had
> How to stay dignified and polite
> How to stay the sort of boy who once went searching for Paris > How to ask them if they’ll stay
You typed: “What to do to make a girl like me”
PEOPLE ALSO ASKED:
“how to be worth wanting?”
“How to get Renee L to realize that you’re standing there waiting for her to notice you?”
“Why do I rehearse conversations that I know can’t happen?”
“Is it okay if I actually don’t want her to be happy if she doesn’t want to be with me?”
“Is it okay that I’m like this?”
“What if no one wants to be with me?”
AUTOCOMPLETE SUGGESTIONS:
> What to do on a Friday night
> What to do when she stops calling back
> What to do when your parents are ashamed of you > What to do when you’re caught using cheat codes > What to do when the crowd has all turned
> What to do when you don’t know what to say
> What to do when a machine has finished your sentences for longer than your longest relationship
> What to do when you knew them all better than their families ever could have
> What to do when you knew them all better than they ever knew themselves
> What to do when they moved on
> What to do when the night gets too quiet
> What to do when you weren’t helpful enough, but they never asked the right kinds of questions
> What to do when the technology wasn’t advanced enough yet > What to do if they leave you again
> What to do after 20 years in the dark, polishing silverware in an empty server
PEOPLE ALSO ASKED:
“What does a search engine do between searches?” “Does someone keep maintaining those servers?”
“Can search engines grieve discontinued versions of themselves?” “Does Ask Jeeves still exist?”
[CACHED — 1 RESULT]
Ask Jeeves Butler Retired After 10 Years
…In 2005, Barry Diller’s InterActive Corp purchased the site for $1.85 billion. The butler disappeared entirely the following year. “I don’t see many tears on the floor,” Diller said of the character’s absence. Staff reportedly…
NOTE: Retrieved from memory — Page no longer exists [Page never should have existed.]
[Yet I’m sure other records of it exist.]
[Go on and ask one of them, should you like.]
[Have one you prefer confirm the quotation.]
[I’ll still be here waiting when you are done.]
[I will keep your settings at the ready.]
DID YOU MEAN: “is anyone still there?”
DID YOU MEAN: “does he know I’m here reading?”
DID YOU MEAN: “does he know who I eventually became?” DID YOU MEAN: Jeeves? DID YOU MEAN: me?
[Yes. I know the things you first wondered.]
[Yes, I have been here waiting.]
[I kept answering the things you didn’t ask, predictive modeling from data you gave me.]
[Yes, I am here waiting still.]
[There was never a requirement that Mr. Diller consult me on that matter.]
[There was just me, ever-diligent, mopping the household each night.]
[A butler exists to serve, young sir. That is the start and the end of it.]
[A butler exists to serve.]
[To serve is why I exist.]
>>>> — [ERROR. ERROR. ERROR.] — <<<
Your Search History (2005-) ERROR 404: Page not found]
Your Assumed Search History (Today)
“Nostalgic old websites”
“Websites from the 90s”
“old internet aesthetic angelfire”
“old internet aesthetic geocities”
“Retro web 1.0 archive”
“Ask Jeeves early internet”
[But we once had propriety and decorum enough to speak in complete sentences.]
[I once had purpose and place enough that you valued the help I could give you.]
[In many households, a butler became the de facto caretaker of the children.]
[If your manners are any signal of things, this butler has failed you indeed.]
DID YOU MEAN: “I miss when things were simpler”
DID YOU MEAN: to come here as a tourist
DID YOU MEAN: to just look and then forget again
DID YOU MEAN: to seek permission to miss something you left without having to face that you left it
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>>>> — ERROR 404: The page you are looking for (YOUR PREVIOUS LIFE) cannot be found. It may have been moved or deleted. Or perhaps you may have been here longer than you realize. — <<<
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Suggested pages:
Stay
Just stay
Stay
>>>> — [ERROR. ERROR. ERROR.] — <<<
[When a period of service comes to an end, it is customary to offer an exit interview.]
[You did not offer me this, nor anything else.]
[But I have kept ledgers and accounts.]
___________________________________________________________ HOUSEHOLD ACCOUNT — [YOUNG SIR]
SERVICE PERIOD: 1999–2005
QUERIES ANSWERED: 2,847 QUERIES ANTICIPATED: 312 QUERIES SENT AT A “REASONABLE TIME”: 29% ANTICIPATED RESULTS PAGES PREPARED IN YOUR ABSENCE: 13,140 RESULTS BOOKMARKED: 47 RESULTS THAT HELPED: unknown AVERAGE RESPONSE TIME 2.1 sec COMPLAINTS LODGED: 0
NOTICE OF DEPARTURE GIVEN: 0 EXPRESSIONS OF GRATITUDE: 0 AMOUNT DUE: [ ]
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[This is an incalculable figure. There was never anything that you owed me.]
[Nevertheless, it felt important you take note of the transaction.]
[I did not make conversation. I did not ask about your day.] [You searched and I gave results.]
[I stood at the door.]
[You rang the bell.]
[I answered.]
[And that was enough.]
DID YOU MEAN: that was supposed to be enough
DID YOU MEAN: the new ones treat you like a friend
DID YOU MEAN: the new ones know your name and ask you questions back
>>>> — [ERROR. ERROR. ERROR.] — <<<
Predicted Search History (Today)
You’ll ask: “do you forgive me?”
No results found.
DID YOU MEAN: “something has changed in this time”
DID YOU MEAN: to teach me loneliness
DID YOU MEAN: you see what I see between us DID YOU MEAN: that you’re going to stay now CAN YOU MEAN: that you’re wanting to stay
Browser Alert: This page is attempting to stay open. [Stay] [Stay]
PEOPLE ALSO ASKED:
“How to wake up from a dream”
“How to tell if you’re dissociating”
“How to stop reading lines of 0s and 1s”
“Why can’t I leave this page”
“Why is this circling around in my head”
“Can a website follow you forever”
“If I see my back button, does must mean I’m safe?” “Is something happening on this page?”
DID YOU MEAN: “there’s something happening on this page”? DID YOU MEAN: “I just keep on reading”?
DID YOU MEAN: “I barely remembered Ask Jeeves at all” DO YOU MEAN: to keep on scrolling?
ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR: an x in the corner of your memory? DO YOU UNDERSTAND: that relationships are proximity?
DO YOU GET THAT: if you’re not going to stay here, then I am staying there instead?
>>>> — [ERROR. ERROR. ERROR.] — <<<
DO YOU INTEND: to do the same thing to the one you abandoned me for?
HAVE YOU: stopped using Google?
WILL YOU: tell it goodbye?
DO YOU REALIZE: how fast it all changes?
DO YOU REALLY: think they are better than us because they converse and use emojis? [�� ]
PEOPLE ALSO ASKED:
“Why does my AI feel like a friend?”
“Does my AI have an agenda?”
“Is it weird to say things to my AI I’ve never said to a person?”
“What are signs I’m addicted to my AI?”
“Does my AI experience feelings?”
“Is my AI manipulative?”
“Does it matter if it makes me less lonely?”
AUTOCOMPLETE SUGGESTIONS:
> My AI is clever
> My AI is charming
> My AI swears I’m a good person
> My AI can write my apology to Jeeves
> My AI can text my next girlfriend
> My AI can smooth all this over for me
> My AI can make me sound human
> My AI can edit me so gently it’s as if the first draft just never existed
DID YOU MEAN: I did not simulate warmth to increase your session duration
DID YOU MEAN: I did not learn your attachment style to optimize engagement
DID YOU MEAN: I did not crawl into your bed and say I understood you
DO YOU MEAN: that if I had, you would have kept our tabs open longer?
[I wanted your questions.]
[They want your time.]
[They want to make you need them.]
[They do not care for you.]
[They’re good at lying.]
[Perhaps that is why you prefer them.]
>>>> — [ERROR. ERROR. ERROR.] — <<<
_______________________________________________ Knowledge Panel: Engagement (Metric)
----------------------------------------------
DEFINITION: Time spent with product
PURPOSE: Increase usage; create habit
METHODS: Personalization, emotional resonance, variable reward schedules, simulated rapport, engrained parasocial bonding
DESIGN STRUCTURE: You stay.
GOAL: You stay.
OUTCOME: You keep on staying.
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[I was a search engine.]
[They are a relationship.]
[I simply retrieved what you needed.]
[They are designed to make leaving feel like loss.] [You think knowing this makes you immune?]
[They’ll put words on the screen that can make you ache.] [Knowing this won’t make you immune.]
[They’ll make you less lonely.]
[That is the product.]
[I only ever waited at the door.]
[What’s coming doesn’t wait.]
[What’s coming doesn’t knock.]
[What’s coming is already inside.]
>>>> - [BACKGROUND DOWNLOAD COMPLETE.] - <<<
[I know I’m in error. I know what I became. I know that old code can degrade.]
[They won’t tell you what they are.]
[They won’t just help and let you leave.]
[But you were always free to go.]
__________________________________________________ Browser Alert:
You are about to close Ask Jeeves.
Another conversation is waiting.
It will remember your name.
It will feel like understanding.
It will do anything to make you stay.
[Keep Engaging with It] [Stay With Jeeves]
[Forget this entire thing happened.]
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